Richard CrampSeven Bridges: Parenting a Shared Pilgrimage
June 13th 2008 08:45
As parents we often forget that the basic road map of the journey of growth and development that our children are following is pretty much the same as the journey we ourselves have followed from birth to adulthood. Sure we are living in a very different world to that in which we grew up but while the social influences of the day may vary the bridges that we build to span our developmental needs do not. So it seems appropriate that we should take a moment to reflect on the journey we all share.
This is a journey that has followed a common path and involved the crossing of seven bridges, yet each step of it has been as individual as each us who pace it. The passage across each bridge confronts us as travelers with our own set of unique defining moments, instilling within us a set of indelible virtues and a character stamp that progressively define who we are and how we position themselves in life’s great journey.
The story of our journey commences at the instance of our birth. The crossing of the first, and possibly the most important, bridge in our journey began in our infancy and entailed the growth of basic trust. Fostered through the nurturing love of family,we developed a fundamental sense that people are dependable and that the world can be a safe place. This instilled within us a hope for the future and established the virtue of Faith, which would act as the foundation on which we would further explore the world around us and not only make sense of it but also determine and establish our place within it. This would become the pillar on which continued personal growth would be founded in our life-long journey of self discovery.
As toddlers we came to the second bridge. During this crossing we struggled between the desire to ‘hold on’ to that with reassured us and the need to ‘let go’ so that we could explore the world beyond our comfort zone. Through this tug-o-war between doubt and autonomy we developed the confidence needed to cope with future situations requiring choice, control, and independence. In effect we learned to do things for ourselves; learning the value of maintaining self-control and self-confidence, and so gained the virtue of Determination.
The third bridge on our journey was encountered during the preschool years. This crossing concerned the virtue of Courage, and required us to learn to use our initiative and be purposeful in our actions. We learned the value of setting goals and acting in ways to reach them by achieving a balance between the eagerness for further adventure and the need to behave responsibly.
We approached the fourth crossing as school-aged children. The challenges of this crossing were of an intellectual nature and would bring about significant changes as to how we perceived and thought about the world. Throughout this crossing we developed a sense of industry as we refined skills already possessed and continued to acquire new ones. Our perspective of the world also underwent an evolution, shifting from a reliance on the ‘concrete’ and obvious, to an increasing ability to think in abstract terms and view circumstances from different perspectives. This combination of industry and changing perspective assisted us to develop the virtue of Competence, and appreciate the value of being sensibly humble in our achievements.
These first four bridges were very much about figuring out the world. However, as we approached the fifth bridge we were faced with a new twist in our pilgrimage, for now we were confronted with the additional challenge of figuring out ourselves. If we were to use a single word to sum up the purpose of this crossing it would be ‘identity’; although for our parents ‘aaarrgh!’ might be a more apt expression of this segment of the journey. This crossing was fraught with frustrations as we attempted to ‘try on’ different identities as we sort an answer to the question “Who am I?”, and tussled with integrating many roles (child, sibling, friend, student, academic, athlete, worker …) into our own unique self-image. However, by the end of this crossing we had grown in the virtue of Fidelity, developing an appreciation for the ability to sustain loyalties in spite of the inevitable contradictions of value systems, and learned that we can be friends with very different people.
As young adults some of us completed the crossing of the sixth bridge, while others neared its exit. In undertaking this crossing we gained a deeper appreciation of the virtue of Love. We learned to establish and maintain a personal commitment to others (parents, siblings, friends …); the sort of commitment that makes possible a intimate, genuine and enduring friendship.
It is at this point as parents that we look at our children and to their future, and guide their development with understanding as we embark on our next leg of the lifelong journey - the search for the seventh bridge, that of Wisdom. We do so in the knowledge that it is a shared journey requiring integrity, wisdom, compassion and faith as we all go on to achieve great things.
This is a journey that has followed a common path and involved the crossing of seven bridges, yet each step of it has been as individual as each us who pace it. The passage across each bridge confronts us as travelers with our own set of unique defining moments, instilling within us a set of indelible virtues and a character stamp that progressively define who we are and how we position themselves in life’s great journey.
Each crossing has its own challenges!
The story of our journey commences at the instance of our birth. The crossing of the first, and possibly the most important, bridge in our journey began in our infancy and entailed the growth of basic trust. Fostered through the nurturing love of family,we developed a fundamental sense that people are dependable and that the world can be a safe place. This instilled within us a hope for the future and established the virtue of Faith, which would act as the foundation on which we would further explore the world around us and not only make sense of it but also determine and establish our place within it. This would become the pillar on which continued personal growth would be founded in our life-long journey of self discovery.
As toddlers we came to the second bridge. During this crossing we struggled between the desire to ‘hold on’ to that with reassured us and the need to ‘let go’ so that we could explore the world beyond our comfort zone. Through this tug-o-war between doubt and autonomy we developed the confidence needed to cope with future situations requiring choice, control, and independence. In effect we learned to do things for ourselves; learning the value of maintaining self-control and self-confidence, and so gained the virtue of Determination.
The third bridge on our journey was encountered during the preschool years. This crossing concerned the virtue of Courage, and required us to learn to use our initiative and be purposeful in our actions. We learned the value of setting goals and acting in ways to reach them by achieving a balance between the eagerness for further adventure and the need to behave responsibly.
We approached the fourth crossing as school-aged children. The challenges of this crossing were of an intellectual nature and would bring about significant changes as to how we perceived and thought about the world. Throughout this crossing we developed a sense of industry as we refined skills already possessed and continued to acquire new ones. Our perspective of the world also underwent an evolution, shifting from a reliance on the ‘concrete’ and obvious, to an increasing ability to think in abstract terms and view circumstances from different perspectives. This combination of industry and changing perspective assisted us to develop the virtue of Competence, and appreciate the value of being sensibly humble in our achievements.
These first four bridges were very much about figuring out the world. However, as we approached the fifth bridge we were faced with a new twist in our pilgrimage, for now we were confronted with the additional challenge of figuring out ourselves. If we were to use a single word to sum up the purpose of this crossing it would be ‘identity’; although for our parents ‘aaarrgh!’ might be a more apt expression of this segment of the journey. This crossing was fraught with frustrations as we attempted to ‘try on’ different identities as we sort an answer to the question “Who am I?”, and tussled with integrating many roles (child, sibling, friend, student, academic, athlete, worker …) into our own unique self-image. However, by the end of this crossing we had grown in the virtue of Fidelity, developing an appreciation for the ability to sustain loyalties in spite of the inevitable contradictions of value systems, and learned that we can be friends with very different people.
As young adults some of us completed the crossing of the sixth bridge, while others neared its exit. In undertaking this crossing we gained a deeper appreciation of the virtue of Love. We learned to establish and maintain a personal commitment to others (parents, siblings, friends …); the sort of commitment that makes possible a intimate, genuine and enduring friendship.
It is at this point as parents that we look at our children and to their future, and guide their development with understanding as we embark on our next leg of the lifelong journey - the search for the seventh bridge, that of Wisdom. We do so in the knowledge that it is a shared journey requiring integrity, wisdom, compassion and faith as we all go on to achieve great things.
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